


College is never easy

by DTA2013



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Best Friends, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Love, Secrets, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3514244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DTA2013/pseuds/DTA2013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU.. This is a time when friendships are formed and strong bonds can be made and they can even follow you into adulthood. Although it can also come with it's own set of problems and heart breaks along the way. Also this is a place where true love can happen, and where the most unlikely friendships are formed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I keep forgetting to place disclaimers so here it is DISCLAIMER: I do not own Criminal Minds or its characters...  
> I also post on FF and fictionpad under DTA2013.  
> ARCHIVING: Only with my permission. I don't normally put this but seems that people are at it again. The only places these stories should be are Fanfiction and Fictionpad. I do not want to have to change the privacy settings on here to only registered users. So please if you find any of my works anywhere other than these sites please inform me many thanks.

You know starting a new school is always hard, or it was for me. I could never fit in I never belonged anywhere too many different schools, and I couldn't even try and tell you my teachers names because they all blend into one.

However, that changed when I reached sixteen we moved back to the states. I had always been ahead of my classmates I am guessing that is why I have never fitted in and never had many friends. Although I did have two close friends Matthew and John but we have drifted apart their parents blame me for Matthew's problems, but I was not to blame really, he was my friend and he stood by me in my time of need, because there was no one else I could turn to back then.

The first year I was back, I had to go to a summer camp. Of all the things to do when you're on summer break, but oddly enough I enjoyed it, I made a fantastic friend called AJ and when camp finished we kept in touch via letters, it was nice to find someone who understood me. I always knew she was troubled and misunderstood but I tried to keep her spirits up and it is because of AJ that I choose the courses I have for college.

I had only known her for three years until the letters stopped coming, it confused me at first but I put it down to her moving on with her life she was two years my senior, a few weeks later after my last letter I posted wishing her all the best and I hope she is doing well. I received a reply my heart sored she had not forgotten me. Well that was until I opened the letter to find inside a short letter explaining to me that AJ had committed suicide. I think I cried for a whole two weeks after reading that and that letter along with the rest are locked up in a safe in my bedroom, I would treasure them for the rest of my life.

I am now 19 and in my second year in college, I have a part time job to pay my own way but I also know my mother is placing money in my bank account but we don't talk about it and mainly because we have never been close, I have been classed as the college geek by a few and I also now have a very close friend, although he is a heck of a lot younger than me, but he is a genius and I mean it when I say that. He is only 15, people tease him but I look out for the kid, we study together most nights or we play chest it is nice as well to have someone who will watch star trek, Dr. who and even as far as Buffy the vampire slayer with, we click, though he lacks totally in social skills but there again I do to a point his name is Spencer Reid but I call him Reid which he likes.

We talk about everything and I know I am the only person who knows about his mother, it is hard on him and he worries greatly about her, and I know it is something I can never understand because me and my mother do not get along, we always end up in an argument if we are in the same room for a long period of time. I am her problem child unlike my perfect sister. And all because we want different thing in life, she wants to get into the state department and she is doing very well for herself but she is another person who lacks any ability to understand me.

Reid often tells me people find it hard to understand me or get to know me because I am very closed off. However, who wouldn't be with my upbringing? I hate anything to do with politics and my mother hates the fact that I date women now.

My father died when I was younger so I never really knew him I have seen pictures of him, I have been told I am heartless for not crying over it every year on the anniversary of his death but how can I when I don't remember him? I didn't know him, he died when I was three, we lived in Ireland at the time when the IRA was fighting against one another and fighting against Britain. In addition, all over part of their country they wanted back the thing is that part of Ireland is happy to be part of Britain, I must admit it is a beautiful country and if anyone ever gets the chance, they should visit it, there is so much countryside.

But now I am here again waiting for the new students that are due to arrive to show them around. I do hate this but this is part of my masters and part of which I do tend to love, to be a mentor to the lucky few who have managed to get in here, either through scholarships or because their parents have enough money to send them here.

Now the kids that come from the wealthy backgrounds are mainly spoiled and do not want to be here, but the kids that have fought to get in to achieve their scholarships are different they want to be here, they want to be successful in their chosen careers or paths in life and these are the kids who I will mentor. Most come from poor backgrounds with little money and they need to keep their grades up to stay here and this is where Reid and I come in, because we are both over achievers but that is mainly because we apply ourselves to everything we do.

I must admit I hate waiting I feel like we stick out as we stand in the usual meeting ground for all new students it is now 9am and they should start arriving any second now. This is where I close my eyes and pray Reid doesn't over compensate with throwing statics at them or babble too much which he does when he gets nervous or a pretty girl looks at him and I find it very sweet and cute but as always I will protect him from them who cannot understand him or the people who bully him because he is like my brother, he is the family I never had and never seen so kind and caring.

Well I can see the first cars beginning to pull up, it is the day before term and we have to get them settled into the dorms and show them around the grounds which can and will take most of the day since it is one big college and even me and Reid get lost sometimes which makes me laugh since the kid has an eidetic memory which is also handy sometimes because like him I love to read, I love to learn and he and I will discuss everything we come across. Two people from completely different backgrounds who have bonded all because I stood in front of him when an older kid went to hit him.

It is always the scholarship kids that turn up first and I know you may wonder how we know they are scholarship kids and that would be because their parents bring them, they do not have their own cars and they look at the college in awe, they have a special glint in their eyes that speak of determination, though I come from a privileged background I will never use it to get anywhere. Yes I am a trust-fund kid and I hate it more to the point I will never allow people to know that.

I know Reid knows about it but he is different I know he won't betray me and that is what happens when you have been friends for two years. I do not trust many people and I also tend not to allow them close, even when I have dated, I never allowed them to see my heart.

I can't help but smile as we look at the bright faces of the kids which will be under our care and guidance I just pray they don't do what normally happens and they try and bully Reid or throw out the nasty self-centred remarks about my being gay which always happens because people do not understand it. However, you cannot help whom you are attracted to and whom you may be able to love when you can open yourself up to them fully. However, trust is a big thing, which I tend not to do very often.

Now this is the boring part where we introduce ourselves and explain what we are doing today, so far we have. Aaron Hotchner, Penelope Garcia, Derek Morgan and someone who has just astounded me, which earned me a dig from Reid, Jennifer Jareau who straight away asked us to call her JJ not Jennifer. Which we nodded in understanding. Some kids like to be called either their last name or by shortened names and it was our jobs to respect them and understand each person is different and different is okay with us.


	2. Chapter 2

Well the kids have been here now for two weeks and they have nearly settled in, Morgan is a football scholar but he also has a macho appearance about him, a tough guy. Which has made him somewhat popular within a very short period of time. Although he doesn't seem to notice, either that or her just doesn't care, he teases Reid slightly but not in any way to upset him. It is as though he has taken the kid under his wing. I do think it amazes him that a 15 year old kid coaches basketball.

David or as he likes to be called Dave he is somewhat closed off but not enough to worry about him, he wants to get into the marine core and will maybe here for only a year, it is always nice to meet someone who is willing to fight for our country.

Aaron Hotchner or Hotch as he asked us to call him, is studying to become a lawyer and he has already started to apply himself to it.

Garcia is studying computers, which seems to be her passion, well other than her and Morgan flirting with each other it is very cute.

And then there is JJ, she is studying communications and is also a soccer scholar she is dedicated and focused on her sports, but there is a lingering feel around her, yes I find her attractive and I would love nothing more than to get to know her better, but she is closed off, guarded in a sense. I watch her run laps most days trying to figure why someone so young could seem to be in so much pain. When I first laid eyes on her aside from the attraction, she reminded me so much of AJ, which is a little comforting but also as though some days it is as though I am looking at a ghost of my best friend, which is haunting.

* * *

"You know instead of staring at the poor girl maybe you should talk to her?" Morgan said as he sat on the steps next to her.

"Really? I never thought of that" Emily replied sarcastically.

"Well it is rude to stare let alone you seem to be trying to undress her" he snickered causing Emily to give him a sly dig.

"How can you talk to someone, who hasn't even spoken to anyone?" Emily said rising her eyebrow at him.

"New school lack of friends though everyone seems to want to know her. But it is as though she doesn't care, yep let her come to you" Morgan said as her patted her shoulder.

"You think the blonde bombshell might join us at lunch this time?" Garcia asked as she sat down.

"I think we can all hold our breath on that one" Morgan said softly "I have to go to practice ladies I will catch you later" and with that Morgan sprinted down the steps towards the locker rooms.

"Isn't he a hunk" Garcia gushed causing Emily to laugh.

"If you’re into all that," she said with a wink.

JJ knew she was being watched she could feel her eyes burning into her skin as she ran around the field, but she was in too much pain no one could understand her and she was happy enough with that because training, her studies, and soccer where the only things she had left in life, her older sister had killed herself earlier in the year leaving her 2 year old daughter and JJ alone.

And this was why JJ was closed off she missed her big sister, she couldn't understand why she had done it, what had caused her so much pain? She had come into her bedroom a month prior and given her a necklace, the one she always admired and she would beg her parents for one just like it, but now wrapped around her neck as a reminder that her beloved sister who was once in her life, that she once cared enough about her to live. Was her necklace.

Each day she missed her, the wound not fully healed. Still raw and it was bleeding like a knife that had cut through her skin. AJ had died in January two weeks after Christmas, they buried her a few weeks later and JJ's heart was broken.

* * *

She would spend most her time alone just contemplating things in her life praying that the gaping hole in her heart would heal but it was too soon it was still fresh, she had been the one to find her walking into her bedroom finding her hanging from the rack in the closet, her screams could be heard at the end of the street. It had taken five officers to bring her out of the room and a sedative just to calm her down she was in complete shock and that one memory haunted her.

Her parents had become ghosts not long after that, not paying her a moment of attention and JJ could understand that, because no parent wants to bury their child, no parent wants to think that they couldn't heal, their own flesh and blood, a child in so much pain that they could only think of one way to escape the blackness that they had been born into, and that was what it was for AJ blackness the abyss of the unknown, the feeling of not being wanted or needed here, she had explained it once to JJ, but she was too young to understand.

There were a few years that she could hold on to, where her sister was happy as though some hope had been restored in her spirit, as though someone was fixing her soul. However, even the letters that arrived twice a month could not stop her.

* * *

"Emily?" Reid said softly from behind her, she turned round and smiled softly at him

"What's up Reid?" she could always tell when there was something playing on his mind and normally it was about his mother.

"They want us to bring the study group forward"

Emily nodded "When do they want it?"

He sighed "Tonight, they have a test on Friday" he gave a soft smile.

"Oh that's just great" she sighed.

"I could always hold it alone" Tuesday was one day Emily always spent away from campus and away from Reid, she would never tell anyone where she went or what she was doing because Emily would never did allow anyone that close to her.

"I will sort it out Reid and I will be there okay" he nodded.

"Emily, class is starting soon"

Emily chuckled "Then I guess I best get moving then" she smirked.

* * *

"You know I think she feels she is better than us" one kid said.

"No she is just a freak of nature" the other laughed

"All looks and no brain, do you think she could be a retard?" another kid said.

They were talking loud enough for the small group that sat a few tables away to hear every nasty word they were saying. Morgan could see the tension that was coming off Emily as her eyes bore into the kids back.

"Emily" he said softly pulling her from giving death glares at them.

"Yes?" she cast a quick glance before listening to the kids on the other table.

"She doesn't even change in the changing rooms I haven't seen her take a shower yet she is dirty unclean" one of the kids said with a shudder.

"She just thinks she is better than us, I mean come on, she is gifted at soccer, but I agree with the freak part."

"You know if your eyes were deadly those kids wouldn't stand a chance" he said with a smirk.

"I hate it when kids pick on others Morgan and I think there is nothing more disgusting then when they all get together to called them and"

Reid placed his hand on hers as he spoke "Didn't you tell me when I first started that it was normal for kids to pick on them who are different?"

Emily couldn't help but smile at him "That I did Reid but it still makes me sick because I know what it can turn into" she gave him a sad smile to which he nodded.

"What do you mean by that Emily?" Aaron asked as he watched her, she glanced at Reid who in turn nodded.

"When Reid first started here no one could quite understand him, and I will say I don't sometimes" she said with a soft laugh "They would call him and tease him and even go as far as to beat him" she sighed.

"They tied me to the football post naked" he whispered causing them all to gasp

"Yeah and left you there all-day" she growled.

"Emily found me and I don't think I saw you for a while after that,"

She nodded "I saw you though, and thank god I did, two weeks after they did that to him one of the older kids went to kick the crap out of him all because he refused to help them cheat on a test"

Reid smiled "That was the day that a great friendship started"

Emily laughed "Only because people think they may catch something off me" Emily smiled "I'll catch you guys later" she said with a smile cleaning away her food tray.

* * *

JJ had yet again had been missing at lunchtime; she had found a peaceful spot under a big oak tree, where she spent most of her free time reading under it, and just watching the other kids, getting lost in her own thoughts and memories. Emily stood on the path for a moment just watching her before walking over to her.

"We missed you at lunch today" she said softly. JJ could only nod, she knew if she spoke, she may break down slightly and that was the last thing she wanted.

"May I sit?" Emily asked to which she got a slight nod. "You know you can talk to me if you need to don't you?" JJ again, nodded "JJ look at me please" Emily's voice almost begged her to look at her.

JJ lifted her head and for the first time since starting at this school she looked at Emily, soft chocolate eyes seemed to swirl and glint at her. Emily looked into sad dull blue eyes as she tried to work out what could have made such a beautiful girl seem or be in so much pain. Their eyes seemed to lock with one another before JJ swallowed averting her eyes

"I need to get to class" the soft voice said causing Emily to sigh

"We have study group tonight, it would be nice if you could join us"

JJ nodded "I'll think about it" she said before hurrying away towards the entrance of the school.

* * *

Emily's apartment was slightly off campus, but due to the size of it, it was the most practical place to have a study group without being asked to keep the noise down or only having a short amount of time.

"Should we wait for her?" Garcia asked.

"No I doubt she is coming" Emily said sadly.

Garcia was in the same dorm room as JJ, but she too could not get close enough to the small blonde they spoke but it was just the pleasantries that had been ingrained in them since childhood. Garcia had found her a few nights curled in her bed and soft sobs coming from her, but she daren’t ask her because she seemed so private. She was nearly as private and closed off as Emily.

Though Emily always seemed kind and open, they know she held part of herself back from everyone, the group would all admit though when Emily's eyes fell on to JJ they softened even more as though she was looking at her with so much love and compassion that you only saw your mother or father give you when you were hurting. There was also a deep pain and sadness in Emily's eyes but Reid had told them all she had lost a close friend and was still dealing with the shock of it.

* * *

JJ sat in the shower allowing the hot water to wash away the day removing all the sweat and dirty that had gathered on her skin away she sighed as she looked down at the down red lines on her skin, and the water washing the blood away.

And in that moment the pain and darkness lifted and she could feel happy even if it was only for one moment, before the pain set in, causing the sting to travel her body, she closed her eyes slightly, as the pain washed over her grounding her to be able to carry on another day. Another day without her big sister in a strange state, in a new school, she just need a moment to remind herself that she could cope and that she was and is in control of her life, even if it only lasted for a moment.


	3. Chapter 3

Today was like any other, the buzz and excitement that seemed to travel down the corridors and into the class rooms, though Emily was nowhere to be found she never turned up at class, and she had been absent from lunch it was as though she had disappeared.

Reid laughed at Morgan as he spoke "Where is she? It is not like her to miss lunch" he almost seemed lost with her presence around them.

"I think she may have had to go somewhere," Reid said, as though he knew exactly where she was.

They all knew the pair was close as Garcia spoke "Are you dating her?" Reid looked at her wide-eyed as he sputtered his drink across the table causing them to laugh

"No, I am not her type trust me no male is her type" his face reddening slightly he assumed they knew. Morgan had thrown the odd comment regarding the way she looked at JJ but he was only teasing.

"She's gay?" Garcia said as though she was astounded, more so when Reid nodded

"I thought you knew" he said in a whispered breath.

"No she isn't very open about her life outside of the classroom" Morgan said.

"She isn't one to open up, she has closed down more, with the death of her friend, eight months and she still feels like she just got the news it hurts her" his voice conveyed sadness.

"You care a lot about her?" Garcia said softly.

He nodded "She is like the big sister which I never had" he smiled.

* * *

Emily had made her way out of town to a small-secluded beach, she sat staring at the ocean as the waves battered the sand, and she had been hurt not been able to come on the Tuesday as though she had let her down. She could never forget but it had been as though fate had made her choose this, well not made her choose it.

It was her day to remember all the choices she had made, every path her life had taken so far. The abortion, her beloved Matthew who had begun to question his faith, he just couldn't understand how a loving god could turn his back and make Emily feel so unwelcome and all due to her having an abortion. In Matthew's eyes, if god did not approve, he would not have allowed people to do it, he would have never made it possible.

Though this was also the day she remember her best friend this, was the time she would sit and talk to her to let her know how her life was going, sitting staring into the ocean which seemed as though it went on forever and meshing with the sky line as though she was closer to heaven, she was at peace here, and she was also trying to figure out how to get JJ to talk to her.

To open up and allow her in somewhat, instead of being like a ghost, or lost in her sport, it was though sport and her schoolwork kept her grounded. But in the back of her mind something niggled as though there was something more than her grounding herself through school life. It was as though she was in so much pain that it had a dulled her eyes to the brink of them losing the ability to be able to shine.

* * *

Garcia made her way over to JJ speaking softly in the hope she would get a reply or some sort of response other than her normal hi and goodbye, "Hey JJ" she said softly sitting just slightly behind the blonde on the steps which looked across the playfields.

"Hi" she mumbled.

"You okay?" she asked softly.

JJ nodded. In honesty she was numb she had not felt the eyes that had seemed to burn into her today she missed Emily and it confused her slightly. When Emily had sat with her the day prior, she felt whole and cared for at the same time even though not much had been said.

"Have you seen Emily today?" Garcia prodded slightly.

"No" JJ's voice was sad and Garcia could hear it in her voice. "I haven't seen her all day" she mumbled.

Garcia was a very bubbly person and she hated to see someone suffer, Garcia had suffered in the past when she had lost the only family members her parents killed in a car crash, she blamed herself slightly as she had been rowing with them before they left for a meal, her last words spoken in anger.

"We are going to go out later tonight you want to join us, it will be fun," she said brightly.

"I'll think about it" JJ said as she played with the chain that was wrapped around her neck.

* * *

With no classes that afternoon her limbs hurting from the night before she just didn't have the energy to train, she made her way to the oak tree pulling out the letters that use to come every month as she read them as a comfort. She would smile sadly reading the letters, this person seemed to understand her sister better than anyone, it was as though AJ could open up to her, some letters were sign Em, some just an E, but the one that stuck out was the last letter that came wishing her the best, but on the back of the letter were words of comfort.

' **I know it may seem so hard sometimes and as though everything is so black and dark but you have to remember that there is always light at the end.**

**There is always someone who can ground you and heal the pain inside, I hope over the past three years I have brought you some comfort as you have done with me.**

**We seemed to have understood one another to the point I have found my best friend, I will always be thinking of you and sending loving thoughts your way.**

**You deserve to find happiness and I believe you will AJ.**

**Remember you have so much to live for and your daughter will help heal the scars that are buried so deep inside you. If you ever forget that look to your little sister, whom you talk so much about, remember she loves you for you just as I do.**

**May angels follow you in your life, keep you safe, and remember you are loved.**

**Yours always Emmy.'**

JJ sat as the tears rolled down her face, she wished she could have met the person who cared about her sister and had tried to heal her. She wished she could find someone like her. Maybe this Emmy could help heal her, help her understand why she had ended her life? Maybe there had been something that AJ hadn't told her or her family? Something that had made everything so dark inside her. 21 was no age to die.

* * *

Emily had made her way back to her apartment as the evening drew in she smiled as she looked at her cell which she had only just turned back on **'Hey Em, we are going out tonight to the coffee shop we will be there from seven please come we have missed you today. And I am concerned about you just want to know you're okay, Reid x'** Emily replied saying she will be along shortly stating and reassuring him she was fine and that she just had something she needed to do today since she had no classes.

* * *

JJ had chosen that it might be a good idea to join them, maybe she wouldn't feel so alone, though her dark mood may not alter and part of her prayed Emily would join them, there was just something calming about her, it had been something in her eyes when they had locked as though she could see into her soul. JJ smiled to herself as she bathed under the heat of the shower, today wasn't as black as the others had been, the cuts stung under the water as she took in a breath the steady pain running across her body. They grounded her, she just hoped she could get through being around this group for one night and if she could do that, maybe just maybe she could allow herself to get to know them more, and even become friends.

* * *

Reid had found them somewhere to sit though the small booth which was far enough away from the counter and private enough for no one to overhear their conversations, this was the table which him and Emily always took up the cashier smiled at him as she looked around for the dark hair girl whom always came with him

"Where's your friend tonight?" she asked kindly to which Reid smiled

"She should be here soon" he blushed slightly as she smiled at him.

"You always get embarrassed like that kid?" Morgan asked as they all made their way to the seats.

He shrugged slightly "I have never really had much to do with people, Emily has been the only person I have been friends with" he said as though it was a normal thing, as though nothing else mattered to him. One friend in the entire school and the boy was happy with it.

"Well kid I for one hope I am now classed as a friend" as the small group nodded.

Reid smiled "I'd like that" he said brightly.

* * *

JJ made her way into the coffee shop only to be pulled out of her thoughts by the voice behind her "You going to join us JJ?" Emily asked softly as they entered the shop.

"I was hoping to" she replied softly, she looked at Emily, whose eyes where slightly blood shocked as though she had been crying but still the air of calm and kindness rolled off her.

"Are you okay?" JJ asked softly.

Emily smiled "I am just need a good cup of coffee" Emily smirked, if Emily had to have a guess she would be sure that the blood, which ran through her veins, was pure coffee. Some days she could quite happy stick an IV into her am and allow the caffeine to enter her body giving her an instant hit.

"Do you know where they will be?" JJ asked as they made their way to the counter

"Yeah me and Reid always sit at the same table" she smiled softly.

"Hey Emily, Reid is over there with some friends nice to see the kid with other people" she smiled as Emily laughed

"It is very nice" she said softly "Can I have my normal and whatever JJ would like please"

JJ smiled "Caramel Frappuccino please" the girl nodded "I will bring the over to you" Emily nodded before making their way to the rest of the group.

"Hey guys room for two more?" Emily said with a slight smirk as she motioned for JJ to get into the booth before her.

JJ looked scared and slightly lost and Emily could not help but feel she needed to care for her and be there for her, much like she had been for AJ. The striking resemblance between JJ and AJ brought a question she wanted to ask but looking at the broken dull eyes, she just could not bring herself to ask. The last thing she wanted was to hurt her any more than she seemed to be hurting.

JJ had been surprised with how much she had enjoyed the company as they all got ready to leave, Emily got up allowing JJ to rise and move out of the booth their arms slightly touching, and causing JJ to wince and flinch slightly, Emily looked at her for a moment.

"Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you" Emily whispered softly as JJ looked at her the panic flashed in her eyes slightly as Emily spoke, "How bad?" she asked thinking that JJ had hurt herself playing soccer.

"Nothing that won't heal" JJ said, it was a throw away comment, but it was a comment that she had heard before, her eyes went slightly wide as she pulled JJ to the side.

"You want me to have a look at it for you?" she asked the caring showing through in her voice.

"It’s fine, I fell training it's just a graze" JJ said with a slight warning in her voice. Emily could only nod before they all parted to go home for the night.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Emily could not settle once she had arrived back home, the comment **'nothing that won't heal'** whirled in her mind. Although the last time that it had been said was in a letter AJ had written four months before she killed herself.

' **I can't do this anymore Emmy. I cannot wake up each day with this pain. You said everyone has a reason to live and I cannot find one, even when I look into Emma's eyes, I cannot seem to find the fight or the will to stay here.**

**My sister cannot even make me want to hold on.**

**I promise you one thing though; when I am not here anymore, things will heal in time.**

**In addition, people will grieve over loss but it is not anything that will not heal, everything heals in time.**

**Just with me, there is nothing that will heal, nothing that can be fixed.**

**Because the problem is not something, that can be seen or understood.**

**Emmy I am drowning, I am stood on the edge of the cliff and all I see is darkness.**

**You say there is light but we both know you do not always feel that way.**

**I know you put a front on. Those famous walls you have learnt from such a young age to keep people away from knowing you.**

**I am grateful that you trusted me enough to allow me to see you. Moreover, that you have shared the things you have.**

**When I know I will not be able to carry on anymore.**

**I am saying sorry because I won't be able to say goodbye I can't write you a goodbye note because I will always be in your heart as you have told me so many times.**

**I do worry about my baby sister she is going through so much, some people are bulling her because of me.**

**And I am causing that because I am different.**

**Please find it in your heart to forgive me when the letters stop arriving.**

**My friend will write to you since we both know my parents open my post just as yours intercept everything you have.**

**Maybe one day we will have our own homes and we can mail each other properly without the cloak and dagger crap it would be far easier.**

**I must go now Emmy, remember I do love you and I will always strive to look out for you even though we cannot see each other.**

**You will find a new family, you will find someone you can love and allow into your heart, and you will know her when you find her Em.**

**Yours always AJ x'**

Emily grabbed her things throwing them into a bag her gut was now over ruling her heart and mind, there was too much similarity between JJ and AJ, the same comment the blank expression upon her face was nearly the same that she had seen in AJ's eyes, the dull blue orbs that seemed duller everyday a vacant expression that screamed to be save.

* * *

Emily made her way back towards campus and towards the dorms in a hope that Garcia would allow her inside and that JJ would talk to her. The hallway was quite as she made her way through them pulling to a stop outside room 21 Emily could not help but laugh slightly as she knocked on the door.

She stood there unsure of what reaction she would get for just turning up on their doorstep at this time of night, the door slowly opened to relieve Garcia who was stood looking at her in bright pick pj's what was laced in chocolate cupcakes.

Emily smiled at her friend "Is JJ here?" she asked softly

"In the shower" Garcia said rolling her eyes slightly "I think she lives in that shower some days Emily" Garcia said as she motioned for Emily to take a seat.

"Thanks" Garcia looked at her for a moment

"So what do you want Emily?" she asked kindly.

"I was hoping to talk to JJ" a soft smile ghost her lips as she spoke

"Well you are welcome to wait but she seems to hog it for hours" Garcia replied with a shrug.

"Well I will wait for a little and if not I will catch her tomorrow" Emily said as she watched Garcia. They made light conversation for about half an hour and still no sign that JJ was getting out of the bathroom anytime soon. "Well I guess I should let you get some rest, I will try and catch her tomorrow," Emily said as Garcia got up to see her out.

* * *

Damn it why did I have to flinch, how the hell did I let her get so close to me? JJ mused over the questions that were now spinning in her mind. JJ had a few close friends back home that she used to be able to turn, to but they all turned on her when AJ had killed herself. They teased her for as long as she could remember she had always been an outcast, even the few friends she had on the soccer team had turned on her in the end when she won the scholarship.

* * *

Emily made her way back home, closing the door behind her as she tried to work out a way of getting JJ to talk to her, to trust her enough to allow her in. Emily wanted to know her not just because of the fact she reminded her of AJ or the fact she had a feeling deep inside her that shouted at her very core there was too much for her to break down.

"What the hell am I meant to do? What can I do to get her to just talk to me?" Emily mused as the need for sleep began to take over.

The drilling of the alarm pulled her out of her sleepy haze, some days she wished she could throw it out the window but this morning she had an history exam to attend, though Emily loved the classes the thought of the exam always filled her with a slight dread, and the ugliness that was going to erupt her morning to become a nervous wreck.

Moreover, the dread of being stuck in the same room for three hours until the bell rung out that would indicate that it was lunchtime and then she could hand in the paper, await the news, and just pray it would be good enough. Sometimes brains were not enough and you needed a sheer amount of luck that you studied the correct material that would appear on the exam and not the ones that you skimmed over.

* * *

JJ had spent most the morning doing a pop quiz before heading towards the locker rooms to get changed before her next class began. Her day had started out better than her first few weeks, she found that she was able to converse with Garcia before they parted ways and she had even promised to join them all at lunch in the canteen, which had made Garcia squeal with sheer enjoyment.

Practice was hard and JJ was sore after receiving a bad tackle, which had landed her face down and covered in mud. The girls had sniggered as she tumbled to the ground earning the girl who had fouled her to be sent off and left JJ sitting in the changing rooms placing her things in her bag so she could go and grab a shower in her dorm room.

Slowly she made her way into her dorm she threw a fast glance at the clock seeing she had half an hour left before the bell would ring and she would go and meet up with Garcia, she smiled to herself as the water ran over her washing away all the mud and scum that had gathered on her body from the foul, she had ended up with mud in places she never dreamed the mud could get to but it made sense considering the amount of rain that had fell last night, leaving the ground a bog . JJ quickly got changed and headed out of the dorm.

With only ten minutes to get to the canteen JJ had enough time left to take a slow walk since the bell hadn't gone yet, she could hear the sniggers coming behind her as she made her way down the corridor "Well it looks like she has a wash" someone sniggered.

"Yeah but I doubt she used soap" someone else commented. The next thing JJ knew she was on the ground with a group of girls calling and shouting names at her, she tried to move but every direction was another body in her way unable to move, to get away unable to stand as they towered over her the only thing JJ could do was curl herself up into a ball and pray they would soon leave her alone.

* * *

Since her class had all finished their exam they had been allowed to leave instead of waiting for the bell, keeping some 50 or so students locked up in one room could never end well for a teacher who was on their own and with students that hadn't seen fresh air in nearly three hours they broke in to the corridors making their way outside all apart from Emily and Reid who were heading towards the canteen.

"Can you hear that?" Reid said softly as the girls voices grew louder.

"Yes come on let's see who their latest victim is" Emily said with a slight annoyance behind it. Emily and Reid made their way to where a group of girls were gathered.

"What on earth is going on?" Emily growled causing the newest members of the school to ignore her and the ones who knew Emily to back away slightly.

"Emily is that?" Reid whispered as Emily's eyes fixated on the blonde who was curled into herself on the floor. Emily's voice cut the corridor as her blood boiled in her veins.

"Just what the hell do you think you are doing?" this time the anger in her voice caused them to quieten down and move away slightly. Emily's eyes glared at them all taking in their faces "I want each of your names right now and then I will decide if I should get the dean" Emily warned as Reid started making a note of each one he knew or recognized.

Emily walked in-between them all as they began to scatter until she could kneel down next to JJ, gently she ran her fingers through her hair "JJ its Emily come on" JJ flinched slightly.

Emily moved back slightly holding out her hand "Let's go and get you cleaned up" she smiled kindly at JJ who had tears streaming down her face.

She gently took hold of her hand placing JJ behind her "I catch anyone of you near her again, you will all regret the day you crossed me" Emily warned as she guided JJ towards the toilets.

* * *

Emily locked the door behind them as JJ ran into one of the cubicles "JJ" she said softly hearing the soft sobs coming from her, "Jennifer" she said again hoping for some sort of response "Talk to me please?" JJ could hear the worry in her voice. She winced slightly as she had fallen to the ground the cuts that had been healing were ripped opened. Emily leaned against the basins as she waited for JJ to answer her. "How bad is it?" she asked softly.

"Doesn't matter and thanks" JJ said through the sobs.

"JJ let me look please?" Emily almost begged.

"I am fine, I just fell that's all" Emily had to fight the urge to roll her eyes but she needed to do something other than stand outside the door and worry.

"I would believe that if I could see your face" Emily said keeping her voice light.

"Why do you care?" JJ fired back.

"I don't believe I’ve ever said that, but I do care" Emily said as she walked into the stall next to her "Everyone needs a friend at some time in their life, someone they know cares no matter what" Emily said softly as she pulled herself up standing on the toilet so she could look over the partition.

She gasped slightly as she looked down at JJ who was curled in to the corner "JJ what have you done?" Emily said, JJ's eyes were dull and broken as she tried to cover her arms, before looking up at Emily, in fear.

 


	5. Chapter 5

I can feel her eyes on me, my skin burning, I don't understand why she cares why she wants to help, when I have done nothing but ignore her, well I didn't ignore her last night but right now I want to hide, I want to disappear out of view. I feel so exposed and raw right now and her looking at me as though she can peer into my very soul is not helping any.

All I can do is avert my eyes and hope she leaves but deep down I know she won't her voice pulls me from my thoughts, how can she care, what is it that makes her want to talk to me, as though she is looking out for me. Is she just another person who wants to hurt me?

"JJ please let me in or I'll just climb over" Emily said softly.

I can't look at her but deep down I know she won't just leave. I can't allow her in, she will tease me like everyone else has, and she will turn on me because no one can understand why I do this. I have been here before. I allowed someone to get close and they used it against me. I am so lost, I am lost in my own mind to the point I cannot even speak. I didn't even see her climb over but now she is knelt in front of me, her eyes are soft but again I feel as though they a peering into my soul, as though I am totally exposed to her.

She is waiting for me to talk and I know she is I can feel it; I can feel her just waiting and watching. I feel her eyes on my skin as I try my best to hide my arms from her; she reaches out her hand to still my movements. I cannot help but flinch as her hand wraps around my wrist.

"I'm not going to hurt you JJ" her voice was so soft and kind as I try not to look at her

"Why do you care?" I could not help the words falling from my lips. Nevertheless, I feared the answer I would get in return. I waited for the words freak but they never came, instead I listened to the words that came out so softly as though she understood me.

"I care because I can see you are in pain, and no one should be in so much pain that they need to hurt themselves, everyone needs someone to turn to. There is always a light that can be seen at the end"

I look at her in slight shock "What did you say?"

She gave me a shy smile "I think you heard me just fine JJ," again the words were soft and kind and all I can do is look at her.

Normally words come easy to me but right now I am scared and I am worried that she is going to tell everyone, betray me like everyone in my life has already done. I did have someone once, someone who cared about me, but she is not here anymore. I have no one I can turn to, no one who understands me, it hurts so much. I look at her again, this time I really look at her, her eyes are kind but I can see pain inside them it is like looking at my reflection but I still can't find the words that I need to use.

I watch as she lets go of my wrist and almost immediately I miss her touch against my skin, she is holding her hand out towards me now and I want so badly to grab it and hold onto it but I can't my actions have faltered as I just look at her hand reached out towards me.

"JJ I am not asking you to talk to me, I am not even going to ask you any questions but I would like you to trust me enough to get you out of here and away from everyone just for an afternoon. And allow me to clean them up and at least dress them please" her eyes are now begging me.

I don't see any fear there I see something else I see the truth in her words as I finally reach my hand towards hers and grip hold of it for dear life. She holds my hand just as tight in return as a soft smile spreads across her lips. I still cannot talk I am numb as she helps me to stand wrapping her jacket over my shoulders.

She pulls me close and whispers into my ear "Let's get you back to mine and get you cleaned up" I can only nod against her. I know if I open my mouth now and speak, I will not be able to hold back the floodgate, which is ready to erupt inside, to spill out inside me. She unlocks the door and I shiver against her I am scared at what is on the other side of the doors, which lead into the toilet.

* * *

She pulls me closer against her "They are gone I promise" she seems to know what I am thinking as she begins to unlock the door.

I keep my eyes close as I hear her talking to Reid asking him to let the teachers know we won't be in class that something has happened. It is strange to think a group of people are willing to cover for me but in a sense, she is right, something has happened. Something ripped my insides out, a long time ago. And the wounds have not healed they are like opened cuts that bleed forever but leave the darkness inside.

Part of me can understand what AJ said about the blank void because without her I feel so lost, and so empty. As though she took my heart with her that day. She did not care enough to fight but I think she did at the same time, she fought most of her life but in the end the demons in her mind won, her mind was so fractured but I guess that is what mental health problems do to you.

They fracture your mind and when they are left untreated for years, they can manifest into an explosion that could have been prevented if people just opened their eyes and ears to her but they did not, well they did, but it was too late for her.

I numbly follow her, though with her arm wrapped around me I do not have much choice as she leads me out the doors and down the pathway to her house, her home. I do not even notice that we have stepped upwards and now standing at her front door. I am too numb and lost inside my own mind; Am I the same as AJ? Or is this just the pain of loss, which is over taking my mind and my body.

* * *

I don't even notice as the tears fall from my eyes as she takes me over to her couch, she motions for me to sit down and I comply I am too tired to exhausted to fight against the kindness she is showing me. Too numb to even take in the surroundings. She leaves me and I can hear the soft trickle of water running from what I can only guess is the kitchen as I keep my eyes closed. It is a strange sense that I can feel her in front of me as her voice pulls me from the thoughts swirling in my mind.

"JJ, let me see them and clean them up please?" her voice was so soft and kind but I shake my head, I do not want her to see the extent of the damage I have done to myself.

I do not want to expose myself to her because I cannot understand why she cares why she is not running for the hills and turning her back away. I am not her problem I did not ask for her help, I never asked for help. Nevertheless, here she is not asking anything of me other than to allow her to clean my arms, which are now bleeding through my top.

I do not want to open my eyes and see pity, which is sure to be there as I take a deep breath finding my voice for the first time since we had left the school. "I can't" my words come out as a sob as the tears start to fall and I cannot control them anymore.

I feel her fingers gently against my cheek wiping them away and again she speaks with such care laced in her voice. "I can wait," she whispers as I let the floodgate that had been threating to open over spill and erupt through my body.

I am crying uncontrollably and I feel her move, the dip that appeared next to me, her arm now wrapped around me pulling me close. As her lips press against my head for the first time in my life I feel safe, I feel wanted but I do not understand I cannot understand.

If I could understand why she seems to care and allow myself to open up it will only end in pain and upset which I cannot take not again. However, I cannot help leaning into her allowing myself to feel the comfort she is offering and in a strange sense, it feels right. I feel this is where I should be wrapped in her arms as my heart breaks even more. Her tender touch rubbing against my skin her fingers running through my hair and it brings a strange sense of comfort to me. I pull away slightly as I finally look at her.

"I won't judge you JJ, I just would like to dress them please?"

I can only nod as I look into her eyes but I don't see pity I see understanding and expectance and it is strange she doesn't know me and yet here she is offering me a safety net. She asks me to remove my top and I feel slightly exposed but for some reason I comply with her as I remove it and now I am sitting on her couch in just my bra.

I can feel her eyes studying my arms as she lets a soft sigh fall from her lips "I think a bath maybe better" she says softly and all I can do is nod.

I do not understand why I am allowing her to care for me why I am willing to allow her to see my body but I am too numb to fight too tired to hide away as she pulls me to my feet. She guides me up the stairs and towards the bathroom and part of me fears she will stay in there as she places the plug into the bath and begins to run the water before moving to grab a few towels. It is as though she has done this before as though she knows not to ask and allow me to talk in time.

"Right I will be just in the room across the hall okay, you need me just call" she gives me a soft smile "And no need to lock the door"

I can only nod my head as I watch her leave. Does she trust me enough not to do more damage to myself? I test the water, finding everything is within arm's reach as I strip the rest of my clothes away my legs burn in pain as the blood has dried against my pants.

* * *

I step into the warm water lowering my body as the pain runs through my body the stinging, the burning, and the whole amount of pain that emanates inside me as I take in a breath to steady the pain. At least I can still feel and I am not completely numb and my body is not dead to pain I guess that is a better sign it proves that somewhere deep inside I am still alive.

My heart breaks again as the guilt takes over me, I have done this to myself, no one made me take a blade pushing it deep into my skin, but as I did and the blood seeped out my pain seems to escape for just a little while. And I can see the light at the end, the warmth of being able to see that there is some hope just a glimmer.

The water has now turned a light pink colour as the blood meets with the warmth and again I feel dirty, I feel tainted by what is inside me the blankness that has come over me. It came over me four years ago and it has come back with a vengeance once AJ had died. I look up seeing the showerhead I need to wash this feeling away I need to feel clean and not dirty like I feel.

I feel so vulnerable so weak as I turn the shower on to wash the rest of it away but still I do not feel clean. I feel dirty as much on the inside as the outside, as the water drains away taking the blood with it. It is as though part of my pain has vanished with it. As I step out of the shower wrapping the towel tightly against my body as I look down at my bloody clothes I cannot help but sigh. I cannot put them back on until they are washed.

* * *

For some reason and I do not know why I followed her instruction and knocked on the door which led into her bedroom she did not look at me as she spoke. "Sit on the chair, I just need to grab some cream" her voice is still kind and soft and I can hear her move towards the bathroom and the slight click of the cabinet close before she returns. Her eyes trail my arms and her next words shock me as she speaks.

"Let me see your legs as well please" there is not any condemnation in her voice just the undertone of caring. I fear showing because it also means I need to remove my towel, which I am gripping tightly around myself.

"JJ, please I am not going anywhere but I need to make sure they are clean and not infected" her voice consists of worry now as I look blankly at her.

I can see her swallow thickly and I can hear it as I look into her deep brown eyes that still are screaming understanding and no pity. My skin flushes red as I nod I remove the towel slightly still keeping myself covered. We stay silent as she cleans my cuts, it is almost lovingly the way she tries to soothe them and me. I wince slightly and flinch as the cream stings my skin, closing my eyes as she whispers.

"There all done" she smiles as she stands. "There are some clothes on the bed for you and I will put your others to wash" there is a kindness there as I nod. I watch her leave as I start to dress.

* * *

Making my way downstairs I find her sat on the couch she tilts her head towards me. "Coffee on the table come and sit next to me," she asks and again I comply as I sit down. I cannot stop myself as I automatically curl into her body as she wraps her arm around me running her fingers through my hair. My eyes close as the exhaustion takes over my body pulling me into sleep. I hope that no nightmares will stir me.


	6. Chapter 6

I think this is the first time I have had a good night’s sleep in a long while, I look at her, she still has her arm around me, and her fingers are still running gently against my skin, but when I look at her breathing, which is slow, and steady I know she is still asleep. Part of me wants to stay here in her arms but the other part of me wants to run.

I gently remove her arm from around me as I start to move, I find it quite cute as she grumbles her protest, she is going to be sore when she wakes, talking is hard but after last night I feel like I have exposed part of myself to her and now it is a matter of time before she tells everyone before she betrays my trust. It is a fear and pain buried deep inside my subconscious mind, and I want so badly to be able to trust her, but I am not sure.

If I allow her in will she use it against me will she throw it in my face, just like so many others have, my mom and dad did and they still do, they couldn't understand why I do this, why I feel the only way to express myself is to cut my body. They were so busy looking after my sister, and no one had time for me, no one could see I was also drowning. I don't blame my sister god I loved and still love her so much and I also understand why they had to tend to her all the time.

I look back one last time before I leave her still sleeping form and make my way back towards my dorm. Maybe today I will find out if I can trust her or if she will brand me with some label like I have been over the last four years.

It is a calming thing walking towards the college in the pre hours of dawn, but still I have a fear buried deep inside me that she will betray me.

It felt so nice falling asleep in her arms, safe and comforted at the same time it is a new and different feeling all at the same time, I just hope I haven't misplaced my trust too much, by allowing her to see me and my flaws, and my weakness. Maybe today I will just hide away and hope. That is another thing that I have learnt to do, blend into the background while everything ticks like a clock in front of me.

I make it back inside without anyone seeing me, and I can't help but smile seeing Garcia and her sleeping form curled up with the fluffy teddy's as though they are her one connection to her world away from all the pain which school life portrays for us, it is as though I am looking at a child who has yet to grow up into a woman. Like many of the people I have met since starting here.

Their eyes hold untold pain but it is not a pain that can be seen, some pain is of loss of a loved one and the other pain is a loss of innocence. Maybe I find it strange that these people are friends, they are all so different but yet they seem to fit, though the one question I have to ask myself is, where do I fit in?

I think I see things differently than most, you see I like to see good in everyone and that led me here, to this path that I am on, but right now, all I can do is avoid Emily. But yet when I close my eyes I see her, I can still feel her fingers softly against my skin, the comfort that one action gave me, it was as though the pain lessoned even though it did not last. The second I left her home I felt alone again as though I do not belong and do not fit in, but there again what kid does?

* * *

I find myself sitting under the tree again just watching and for some reason I know she will show, even though I have avoided her all day, it is as though I can feel her, before I see her, she smells of lavender and vanilla it attack's my senses.

"So you going to speak to me or just ignore me?" Emily asked as she walked the short distance towards the tree where JJ was sitting, "I haven't told anyone if that's what you have been worried about" Emily paused again, sighing softly as she started to back away again "Well you know where I live if you want to talk" with that said Emily began to walk away.

"Why do you care Emily?" JJ asked causing Emily to turn around.

"I just do" Emily stated simply

* * *

Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away, to not push and allow them to come to you; I just hope I am right about this. So I walked away leaving her there under the tree that she seems to like so much and now it is just a matter of waiting, sometimes if you look at a person close enough you can tell what they need without words being spoken and JJ is screaming for someone to care, but the other part of her is scared and I can tell that just looking in her eyes, they are haunted drowning in pain. Moreover, if I can just take some of that pain away, even if it is only for a little while I will. And that is why I will wait for her to come to me.

* * *

JJ made her way along the familiar footpath, her hand hovering slightly over the buzzer, part of her hoping she was doing the right thing, and the other part scared that she wasn't, and now if was a matter of time before the door opened and she will have sealed her faith somewhat. Trust is a big thing, and something you do not give out lightly. A shiver ran down her spine as she waited, she could hear the soft footfalls coming from behind the door, the soft click of the lock being taken of before the door slowly opened. Not a word was spoken as Emily opened the door motioning JJ inside.

JJ took the same path she had the night before into the living room as Emily followed slowly behind her. "I'm sorry," JJ, said in a hushed voice.

"What are you saying sorry for JJ?" Emily asked softly as she made her way to the sofa. "Come and sit down, please," Emily said with a reassuring smile, to which JJ complied. JJ gave a sad smile before her eyes turned downwards towards the floor, her voice low and soft as she started talking.

"It started four years ago, hell I wasn't or didn't even mean to cut myself, I was in the shower and the razor slipped, but in that moment the pain that came from the cut, I felt alive, it didn't hurt, although it didn't last" JJ paused slightly as Emily's hand rested on her back.

"What caused you to be in so much pain JJ?" Emily asked softly.

Letting out a dry chuckle she turned her face to look at Emily their eyes locking just for a moment before she carried on. "A few things, problem's at home, problems at school, I was or should I say I became an outcast, it wasn't always like that though. I had a group of friends we cared for each other, hanged around with each other," JJ paused as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"We were out for the night, just the local kids hanging around on the park like we always did, I was with someone but the rest we young and free, looking for their own someone I guess. Some of us were drinking" JJ laughed her voice lacking any amusement, dull and broken as she continued. "Some guys came over to talk to us we didn't recognise them, but you put a group of hormonal teenagers together and you offer them something a girl will follow. Each one of us rebelling for different reasons, I guess I was lucky in a sense because I didn't go I was safe in someone's arms"

JJ let out a sigh, "I guess when you tell a girl what she has been longing to hear, or what they thought they needed to hear they will believe it. The boys attempted to rape them" JJ couldn't help but shake her head, "And because nothing happened to me or Adel, they blamed us, we didn't stop it, we didn't help them, but we didn't know. After that day everyone turned on us, I threw myself more into my soccer, wanting nothing more than to escape that town, although half of me wanted to stay"

Emily kept her hand gently on her back rubbing soothing circles against her skin. "How was that your fault JJ?" Emily asked simply.

JJ shrugged "It wasn't, although I did blame myself for a while, I lost everything that night, my friends, my girlfriend, everything" Emily gave a soft smile, knowing there was nothing she could say to ease her pain.

"Did you ever try and talk to your family about it?" Emily asked softly.

"They were too busy looking after my sister" JJ said.

"What was wrong with your sister?"

JJ bit her lip as she leant into Emily "She had mental issues"

Emily gave a half smile "I had a friend who had mental problems so I can understand how hard it can be" JJ looked at her for a moment.

"What happened to her?"

Emily sighed softly "She died, I didn't find out for a while it hurts but I knew she would do it, I tried everything I could think of to make her want to live." Emily said softly.

"Not always that easy is it?"

Emily gave a sad smile as she looked into JJ's blue eyes that were not as dull as they once were. "Sometimes when a person's mind is set on a course of action there isn't any changing it, she couldn't be healed because no one could see the turmoil inside her mind."

JJ watched her for a moment "You cared about her a lot"

Emily let out a soft chuckle "I did and I still do, I have memories and that keeps her alive inside for me, she was and still is my best friend"

"Do you hate her for it?" JJ ask.

Emily looked at her as she shook her head "I could never hate her JJ, I don't understand why she took her own life, but I know she couldn't see or find anything to keep the dark void which was inside her eating away, my heart just goes out to her family, she had so much to live for but her pain was too great for her to carry on,"

JJ wiped the tears that were falling down her cheek, "I know how that feeling is. It just came as such a shock, she had been doing so well and then she came into my room one night and gave me her necklace and I was so happy because I like it and I wanted one just like hers, not long after that she died" Emily wrapped her arm tightly around JJ pulling her close.

"The one thing I take some comfort in JJ, is her pain has gone, maybe not for the people she left behind, but now she has found her peace, I only knew her for a short time but she was like a big sister to me," JJ moved away and looked at her for a moment. Emily knew deep down who JJ was as blue eyes studied her deep chocolate eyes.

JJ could see the kindness and understand swirling deep in Emily's eyes, she could see the tears forming in them as her eyes glinted with the unshed tears, "You have to forgive her JJ," Emily said softly as her hand rested against JJ's cheek brushing away her tears. "Don't hold that memory against her,"

JJ frowned slightly as she spoke, "What was your friend called?" JJ asked, as Emily gave a soft smile holding her eyes in her own allowing the words to softly slip out of her mouth.

"I think you know her name JJ"

 


	7. Chapter 7

JJ looked at her, her eyes wide, Emily was unsure if she was going to run out of the door or hit her, as the silence fell over them, JJ staring at her the fear she could see in Emily's eyes, pulled at her slightly as she watched her unable to form words.

"JJ?" Emily said softly as she moved back slightly giving them both some more space, **'maybe not the best time to drop a bombshell'** Emily thought to herself, closing her eyes slightly as she swallowed, allowing a soft sigh to leave her lips before she spoke. "Sorry" she whispered in hope to end the stalemate that had formed between them both.

JJ could not form the words as she looked blankly at her, her mind was going ten to the dozen, ‘ **and surely she couldn't mean AJ?'** JJ thought to herself, she looked at Emily seeing the fear building in her eyes, her mouth opening and closing but words failing to come out as she tried her hardest to wrap her mind around what Emily had said.

Emily sighed as she could see the debate that swirled in JJ's eyes, swallowing hard as she took a breath turning away from the eyes that were boring into her flesh, starting to find the floor more interesting as she finally spoke again.

"Your sister is AJ, and before you ask I only just figured it out when I saw the necklace last night" Emily closed her eyes slightly, "I shouldn't have said anything" Emily gave a sad smile before starting to move to give JJ some space. The small low voice whispered into her ears as JJ finally spoke

"You’re Em" she whispered, Emily could not help but smile

"The one in the same" Emily looked sadly at her for a moment.

"When I noticed the necklace and the fact that you look so similar, I just couldn't." Emily sighed softly "I had to tell you JJ, I couldn't and can't keep something like that to myself," her eyes pleaded with JJ's, the blank expression on her face scared Emily slightly, as she turned walking into the kitchen berating herself. **'Something's are best left unsaid Prentiss!'** she scolded herself, as she switched the coffee machine on leaving JJ alone to either stay or leave. Part of her knew the reaction she was going to get and the slamming of her front door, sealed the fate for her.

* * *

If I hadn't have told her and she worked it out later on, she would hate me for not saying anything and I know deep down she wouldn't trust me again once she figured it out. Though I must admit I am surprised she never noticed the picture of her I have in my bedroom.

I guess mother is correct in what she says, I do not always think of the bigger picture but what was I meant to do, if I had known and not told her, I’d be in effect lying to her. I know deep down she wouldn’t be able to trust me if I hadn’t had said anything. Then she might end up thinking that the only reason I care is because of AJ. Who would have guessed her baby sister would end up at the same school as me?

Maybe I shouldn't think like that but I do, I can't help it, the funny thing is all I have going around in my mind is what she once said to me, if I met her baby sister I would like her and we both knew what she meant and it is true I do like her. I worry about her I just hope I have not caused more damage and I hope to god that she does not hurt herself. Do I go after her or not?

* * *

JJ made her way up the familiar path towards the dorms. She needed to think, she needed to get her head around the information that she had been told, the bombshell that had just been dropped on her, she had so much spinning in her mind going over all the conversations she had, had with her older sister. The amount of times she had read the letters Emily had sent over the years, making her way to the spot she always sat underneath not even noticing the tears that were streaming down her face, the confusion that came into her mind, the pain she was feeling inside, but at the same time the comfort that washed over her just with the knowledge that Emily knew her sister.

I never saw that coming how could I? Who would expect to meet someone who knew AJ and someone who knew her like Emily did? I guess I also have the upper hand since I know more about her than she probably knows about me. Either that or she has worked that part out at as well. Just why the hell did, she tell me? Did she tell me to hurt me or for some other reason that I can't seem to figure out, everything hurts, my heart hurts again for my sister and now knowing how caring Emily is. Why the hell couldn't AJ talk to her and allow her to help. Why couldn't she save her?

Her mind swirled with the unanswered questions the thoughts to why Emily had told her, part of her thinking Emily had gotten some sick enjoyment out of it, the other part thinking it was just some cruel attempt to add to her pain. She could not get the answer she could not think clearly enough, this was the person that had made her sister happy for three whole years, someone who seemed to understand her more than her own family. Was it better that she knew? Was it done just to open the wound that was still healing, that had now been ripped open causing a fresh onset of pain, making her feel sick inside.

* * *

Could someone really get enjoyment out of doing this? JJ never heard the footfalls that came along the path her mind only just registering the voice as she wiped her eyes as the tears would not stop falling.

"I couldn't hide the truth from you JJ, you needed to know, I had to tell you because I want you to trust me and if I kept something like that from you and you had found out later, all the trust you may have had in me would have been destroyed" Emily said softly.

JJ sighed as the cogs in her mind put it all together she turned her eyes sad as she looked at Emily, her words shook as she spoke "Didn't say it to hurt me?" the insecurities that JJ had built inside herself shone through as Emily gave a soft smile.

"I would never use my best friend against her sister, I was though slightly surprised you didn't notice her picture in my bedroom" Emily said as she moved closer to JJ.

JJ frowned for a moment, "You have a picture of her?"

Emily smiled "Yes, it was taken at summer camp" Emily said, as she seemed to get lost in her thoughts of that summer. JJ seemed to think for a moment then the realisation fully hit of why Emily recognised the necklace she was wearing and why just by that one piece of jewellery she would have known.

"It was you that bought her this?" JJ said as her fingers played with the necklace.

Emily chuckled "Yes I did, and if I remember correctly, I bought it her for her birthday" JJ nodded though still her mind played on Emily wanting to hurt her, she knew deep down that she had never hurt her sister but this was so strange for her as she looked into soft brown eyes.

"I just need some time to get my head around this" she said softly.

Emily gave a soft smile "You know where to find me" Emily said before making her way back home, leaving JJ sat under the tree.


	8. Chapter 8

Emily had done as JJ had asked, and for the next two weeks JJ had done everything she could to avoid her, part of her felt as though she was reliving the last memories of AJ when she found her in her bedroom. Somewhere of the times, they had laughed and joked around. Nevertheless, AJ's death had begun to feel as though it happened yesterday and they were just waiting to lay her to rest.

Nightmares of that fateful day seemed to plague her and even through everything she was feeling the only thing she wanted was Emily, but her pride and pain over took her needs, it emanated through her body screaming for release. Part of her had always wanted to meet Emily, the one person whom had brought so much happiness to her sisters life, but now she was confused and in pain.

Garcia had even started to become concerned as she would take in the vacant look on her roommate, she would try and talk hoping that the blonde would open up to her yet nothing would come out nothing but silent tears and the showers which seemed to last for hours at a time. In all JJ had withdrawn from herself, and from the people she had wanted to become friends with, the pain was ruling her.

* * *

I can't help but watch her, keeping my eye on her from a safe distance I know I shouldn't, she asked for space which I have been all too willing to give, but I can see she is struggling and part of me wonders if it is anything to do with the bombshell that I happened to drop on her. However, I can see other things at play as she runs around the track as though she is not in fact training, but as though she is running from an invisible form.

A part of her so desperately wants to escape, and I know that feeling all too well I have been there before trying to out run the parts of my life which haunt me, family, my so called friends, what happened when I was 15. Part of me thinks that she knows that, maybe she has read all those letters that I sent. That is if AJ kept them though I feel she did because I know I kept everyone of hers, my one connection to her, so I knew she was safe and alive.

Though inside she is alive, she lives in me. I guess that is what happens when someone touches your heart and soul, though the question I have been asking myself is just how much time do I give her it has been two weeks and she hasn't even looked at me, maybe I have blown it. Maybe I should not have said anything; maybe it is too much for her to process. But there again it is not as though someone has written a book on this stating how I should deal and how much time is enough time. Is she waiting for me to approach her or shall I continue to wait for her?

The thing is I think I could spend my whole life waiting for her, her blonde hair shines when the sun hits it, she is perfection to me and I miss her, for some strange reason I miss her and yet I do not know her. How is that even possible? To miss someone you do not know? I can still smell her in my home, which is a strange feeling to be able to smell someone whom has not been around since she slammed my door. I have all these questions, but yet still all I can do is sit here and watch her hoping she will come to me and talk to me, even if is just to scream at me.

* * *

I cast one last glance over her running form before I start to head back to my home, there isn't much I can do if she doesn't want to come, doesn't want to speak to me, I thought it may have brought her some comfort knowing she isn't alone, she doesn't have to go through this alone, I know the pain I feel inside and I can only imagine hers is ten times worse. There is only so long you can run for before you have to face it, you have to deal with what is set out before you. I sit here the warmth of the cup against my hands as I stare blankly through the window, it is a peaceful calm the one stillness that stops things spinning even more, the slight soft knocking on my front door pulls me from my thoughts as I place my cup down, walking slowly towards the door, I open the door and my eyes fall straight on her, I smile softly as I motion her to come inside, not a word is said as she makes her way inside as I close the door behind me and follow her in.

I watch her for a moment as I pick my coffee cup up waiting for her to speak to just say something, I move to stand in front of the window just looking out into the darkness in some sort of hope that if she can't see my face she will be able to talk.

JJ was also watching Emily as she turned her back to her staring out of her window, JJ began the internal debate inside herself as she stood up walking over towards her, her hand slightly hesitant as she reach out towards her. Emily could not help her eyes closing as JJ's hand rested on her arm. "Thank you for telling me" JJ whispered her hand keeping in its place on Emily's arm.

A long heavy sigh seemed to leave her body as JJ whispered the words to her, and all Emily could do was nod, as she rested her own hand on JJ's. Emily closed her eyes slightly as she turned around to look at JJ. The tears glistened against the light in her soulful blue eyes; Emily could not help but rest her hand against her cheek her fingers softly running over her skin as she let a soft smile ghost her lips as she spoke.

"No need to thank me," Emily's fingers continued to ghost over her cheek as JJ wrapped her arms around her.

Emily swallowed audibly as their eyes seemed to lock together, as though words were being spoken without a sound flying between them or leaving their lips. Emily broke the contact averting her eyes finding the wall a better place to look as she removed her hand away for JJ's cheek. JJ wished she could see what laid beneath those dark chocolate eyes, which seemed to have a cast-iron wall in front of them hiding her from view or allowing anyone close enough to break through the steal fortress she had made for herself.

"Emily" JJ said softly, her voice with a slight caution in it that did not go unnoticed by Emily, swallowing hard again her gaze fell on to JJ.

"Yes" she hushed out not really sure why but the urge she now had inside her made her want to run for the hills, as far away from this place. Her body screamed as blue eyes bored into her, the gaze its self was soft but all Emily wanted to do was flee. This was strange considering she was the one who had reached out to JJ. And now she was the one wanting to run.

"You two are so different, how come you stayed in touch with AJ?" Emily could not help the soft smile that ghost across her lips the smile lighting her eyes as JJ watch with an amused look on her face.

"You’re right we are two completely different people"

JJ rolled her eyes slightly "That wasn't an answer."

Emily chuckled, "You want to know why we stayed in touch?" JJ nodded. "She never judged me," Emily said simply as though it explained everything, as though that one statement should tell JJ everything she needed to know and then more.

"JJ, she meant and still means a great deal to me and I know she does to you as well, she was and is someone I trusted and trust with my life, I can't explain it" Emily said as she turned away.

JJ could see the shine covering the dark orbs her heart went out to Emily. Even JJ could tell Emily was not one to share her emotions, "Sorry"

Emily just shook her head, "Don't be, we just clicked, we understood each other I can't explain it any better than that." Emily said, her voice slightly deflated as though just saying though few words had hit the wind straight out of her.

JJ nodded her smile sad as she spoke "Will I see you tomorrow?" JJ asked, Emily just nodded unable to find the right words to say until JJ's hand rested on the door handle.

"Stay" was all Emily said.

That one word stopped JJ in her tracks as she turned around looking at Emily, whose arms were now wrapped around her waist as though she was trying to protect herself and JJ for the life of her couldn't understand what, why this strong and normally so sure person seemed to be like a wild horse stood in a sty ready to bolt at the sound of the gun being fired. JJ looked at her for a moment before she nodded.

 


	9. Chapter 9

JJ smiled softly as she walked over to Emily, she was good at reading people and right now she couldn't read anything on Emily's face other than, her body seemed to be screaming to be left alone, taking a deep breath before she spoke her eyes holding Emily's chocolate orbs in her own.

"Would you like a coffee?" JJ said earning herself an amused look off Emily.

"I will make it," Emily said with a smile. Just like that, her whole demeanour changed her face unreadable all the emotions, which were laid out mere moments ago, had gone, which left JJ standing in the doorway with her own confused look.

They spent most the night talking a lot of the conversation circled around AJ, JJ laughed and her eyes glistened with tears, Emily's face taking a sombre look as she looked into blue eyes.

"She was happy JJ even though it was only for a short time"

JJ could only nod "I guess I either don't remember or I never saw her like that, I know the last few years she was happy though" JJ said softly as Emily's face turned serious.

"What is it?" JJ asked.

Emily smiled softly at her for a moment, "I want to understand JJ"

JJ frowned for a moment "Understand what?"

Emily gave a soft smile as she brought her hand down softly to JJ's arms her fingers gently ghosting over her arm where the fresh cuts were, Emily knew she had cut again and her heart broke slightly as she took a breath. "I want to understand this JJ" her eyes still held JJ's blue orbs in her own as she watch her take a deep breath and swallow thickly.

JJ sighed softly as she looked at her "I am not sure how to explain it"

Emily gave a soft smile as she took hold of her hand "Try? I promised you before and I will promise you again, I am not going anywhere. I need to understand JJ, I need to know" Emily's eyes pleaded with hers as JJ nodded

"I'll try" Emily gave a warm smile as she kept her hand clasped with hers their fingers automatically joining intertwining with one another.

JJ curled into her as she began to speak her voice was soft and even Emily could hear the tears forming in her voice as she ran her fingers soothingly against her.

"Like I told you I never meant to do it, but the second that blade slipped and cut into my skin it was as though everything inside me escaped as though feeling the physical pain made it start to heal," JJ paused slightly as she tried to find the right words so that everything would make sense.

"I pushed the blade harder against my skin and that was the second time I cut, it is I guess a release and something I can control. I couldn't turn to anyone I couldn't ask for help everyone was so busy helping AJ and I felt if I did I would burden them more and add to their pain." Emily pulled her closer keeping herself quite as she listened.

"I wanted so badly to scream to shout to punch something but punching a wall never gave the same feeling, I was and I am alive when I do it, I am not numb inside, I feel that sting on my skin see the blood running down my skin and I know I'm okay I know I am alive, but it only lasts for a while and then it comes back and I feel guilty and hate myself because I've cut" JJ pulled away slightly as she looked into soft brown eyes.

"How come you didn’t?"

Emily chuckled slightly "People hurt and deal with their problems differently JJ, the only reason I asked is because I want to understand, I need to understand why this beautiful woman in front of me feels that she has to hurt herself in order to express her feelings or to feel alive inside" JJ moved closer as she looked deeply in to her eyes, she leaned in placing a soft kiss on Emily's lips.

Emily wrapped her arms around JJ as she kissed her back softly before pulling away and looking at her, "And I think you now know why I need to understand" Emily said as a soft smile ghosted across her lips. Emily's hand ran up and down JJ's back as she pulled her into a hug.

JJ rested her chin on Emily's shoulder as she whispered in fear "Don't hurt me"

Emily pulled her closer "Never, I want you to promise me something JJ" Emily said softly as she pulled her close "I can't ask you to stop and I would never ask you to promise that I want you to promise me that if you do hurt yourself, you tell me no matter how bad it is, you tell me and allow me to look after you. I will never judge you for it, I will never use it against you but I need you to promise you will try"

JJ pulled back looking into loving eyes "I can't promise to stop"

Emily gave a soft smile "I am not asking you to promise to stop because that would not be fair. I am asking you to promise to try" Emily pulled her close as their lips met again in a soft kiss, the tears fell from JJ's eyes as she cuddled into Emily as she whispered softly

"I can promise to try"

 


	10. Chapter 10

As I walk on to the stage, standing in front of the podium my heart beats faster the nerves spinning in the pit of my stomach as I look out into the crowd of students and teachers at this school my eyes fixate on my friends and my family.

"When my daughter asked me to come and speak to you, my reaction was one of fear and also one of pain, but after talking to a friend and my partner I agreed, not because I am a child advocate or a mother but because I understand. And I want to share this with each one of you so that you also can have a greater understanding and maybe some peace in the knowledge that you are not alone that there is someone out there, that cares and understands you greatly and will except you for the person you are no matter what"

"Thirteen years ago I met someone who changed my life, my way of thinking, she opened up my eyes to something that no-one can fully understand. She touched my heart, her name was AJ she suffered from mental health problems, I will admit when I first met her I thought she was a freak. It was the unknown the lack of understanding I had of people, I was 16 and like most teenagers I judged because I didn't understand."

"I spent six long weeks with her and in that time she turned my world and understanding around I was no longer afraid, I understood her and in time I learnt that we weren't much different we share our troubles with each other, our pain and sorrow for three years, she was my best friend she touched my heart and my soul and she changed my life for the better, the day I found out she had taken her own life was the worst day of my life. I had not just lost my best friend I had lost my sister someone I loved. Someone who could see me and I could see her. She left behind her younger sister as well as her daughter."

"Again this changed once I left high school and started college."

"I finally met her sister a few months after her death, which came as a shock to us both, but she too had her own pain, she was and she still is a self-harmer. And I say she still is because I have never asked her to stop, I asked her to try"

"The one thing that has led me here today to speak in front of you all isn't through my work or my understanding of human behaviour; it is because I am a mother, a wife and I understand what it is like to watch someone you love going through so much pain."

"A person can be so scared to allow you close enough to understand, but I want you all to remember you are not alone and that someone out there loves you for the person you are on the inside, that can see past your problems and can help you overcome your fears."

"My second year of college I met a group of people, now you may all think that this is what happens in school and college, but these people I met changed my life, we all came from different backgrounds with our own problems and fears,"

"My one memory out of everything that happened ten years ago was the day I found out my friend and now wife, some girls were picking on her bulling her because she was quiet and spent most her time hiding, she was different. It was that day when I walked down the hallway towards the canteen I saw a group of girls shouting and standing around her while she was curled up on the floor."

"I remember all too clearly the fear I felt when I looked out the stall in the bathroom seeing the blood and cuts on her arms, it was also in that moment my life changed again. Now I know you may question why it changed and I can tell you. In that moment of seeing someone I now love dearly go through so much pain and her trying to cope and deal with everything alone, I saw her, I saw the woman she was, I didn't see the cuts I saw her, she is a true testament of how strong a person can be when everything is so against you when your pain is so deeply buried and you are so scared to allow someone to get close, but in time she did allow me close and she began to trust me more"

"She now works for the FBI as our media liaison, alongside our friends which we met in college and our bond has and is as strong, if not stronger than it was back then. This week is mental health awareness week but it comes in so many different forms. You cannot always see it and you may not always understand a person's action or reaction towards things but remember, however you cope with things, be it family problems, school problems or even if you feel so alone, there is someone who you can turn to. Someone you will be able to trust"

"Please don't suffer in silence, the biggest and bravest thing a person can do is ask for help, and trust someone with their fears. So remember when everything seems black and helpless there is a light and people out there that can and will help you. I am proud of the person my wife is and how strong she is, self-harming is a mental health problem which is so misunderstood, so if you ever come across it, be it a friend a loved one or even someone you don't know, they are looking for someone to understand them and not judge them for who they are"

"I have never been a public speaker and the Agents that stand along the back wall will also tell you that, but if any of you feel the need to talk or just need some advice, we have all left our cards that will be handed out to each one of you. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me"

* * *

Emily looked over towards her wife as the tears built up in her eyes.

I watch her stand on the stage my heart soring with pride my friend wrapping my arm around me and pulling me close as we all listen to her speak I can get lost in her voice like I did ten years ago, her eyes still protect me from every fear her arms keep me safe even when I feel the world crumbling around me, I am ten years older now and it may sound strange but every day she marks the calendar counting the days since I have last cut, it has been four years since I last felt the need to hurt myself. However, the thought is still in the back of my mind. Though when I feel so low and I want so badly to take that blade to my skin, she wraps her arms around me and reminds me how loved and safe I truly am.

I know when I walk into our front door and our child run into my arms that the leap of faith I made all those years ago was the best choice I have ever made.

Never give up on yourself.


End file.
